In all the enormity of your big day, things can start to feel a bit overwhelming, and perhaps a little serious. Your wedding reading can be a great place to inject a little light relief and give everyone, and most importantly you and your partner, a welcome laugh. I'm offering up a few funny wedding readings that may help you out a little. They are guaranteed to lighten things up.
To My Valentine - Ogden Nash
More than a catbird hates a cat, Or a criminal hates a clue, Or the Axis hates the United States, That’s how much I love you.
I love you more than a duck can swim, And more than a grapefruit squirts, I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore, And more than a toothache hurts.
As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea, Or a juggler hates a shove, As a hostess detests unexpected guests, That’s how much you I love.
I love you more than a wasp can sting, And more than the subway jerks, I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch, And more than a hangnail irks.
I swear to you by the stars above, And below, if such there be, As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths, That’s how you’re loved by me.
Be My Homer – Anon
Be my Homer I wanna be your Marge. If I’m your Norfolk Broads Will you be my barge? Let’s please be Tom and Barbara, I will show you The Good Life. Even though we’re not yet married I would love to be your wife. I’ve the passion Lily Munster has for her dear Herman. I would love you if you were ginger, I would love you if you were German. Like Mr and Mrs Huxtable, We’d smooch even when we’re wrinkly. I’ll even consider ironing your shirts, But I hope you like them crinkly. Like Mr and Mrs Incredible I’m flexible and you’re tough. But if you promise to be my true love That will always be enough. Like Bonny and that Clyde guy without all the dying. Like Gwyneth and that Coldplay man without all the crying. My partner in crime, the love of my life.
Yes, I'll Marry You - Pam Ayres
Yes, I'll marry you, my dear. And here's the reason why; So I can push you out of bed When the baby starts to cry, And if we hear a knocking And it's creepy and it's late, I hand you the torch you see, And you investigate. Yes, I'll marry you, my dear, You may not apprehend it, But when the tumble-drier goes It's you that has to mend it, You have to face the neighbour Should our labrador attack him, And if a drunkard fondles me It's you that has to whack him. Yes, I'll marry you, You're virile and you're lean, My house is like a pigsty You can help to keep it clean. That sexy little dinner Which you served by candlelight, As I do chipolatas, You can cook it every night! It's you who has to work the drill And put up curtain track, And when I've got PMT It's you who gets the flak, I do see great advantages, But none of them for you, And so before you see the light, I do, I do, I do!
I Wanna Be Yours - John Cooper Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner Breathing in your dust I wanna be your Ford Cortina I will never rust If you like your coffee hot Let me be your coffee pot You call the shots I wanna be yours I wanna be your raincoat For those frequent rainy days I wanna be your dreamboat When you want to sail away Let me be your teddy bear Take me with you anywhere I don’t care I wanna be yours I wanna be your electric meter I will not run out I wanna be the electric heater You’ll get cold without I wanna be your setting lotion Hold your hair in deep devotion Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean That’s how deep is my devotion
Falling in love is like owning a dog - Taylor Mali
First of all, it's a big responsibility, especially in a city like New York. So think long and hard before deciding on love. On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security: when you're walking down the street late at night and you have a leash on love ain't no one going to mess with you. Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable. Who knows what love could do in its own defence? On cold winter nights, love is warm. It lies between you and lives and breathes and makes funny noises. Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs. It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.
Love doesn't like being left alone for long. But come home and love is always happy to see you. It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life, but you can never be mad at love for long. Is love good all the time? No! No! Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.
Love makes messes. Love leaves you little surprises here and there. Love needs lots of cleaning up after. Sometimes you just want to get love fixed. Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper and swat love on the nose, not so much to cause pain, just to let love know Don't you ever do that again!
Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk. Because love loves exercise. It runs you around the block and leaves you panting. It pulls you in several different directions at once, or winds around and around you until you're all wound up and can't move.
But love makes you meet people wherever you go. People who have nothing in common but love stop and talk to each other on the street.
Throw things away and love will bring them back, again, and again, and again. But most of all, love needs love, lots of it. And in return, love loves you and never stops.
The Day the Saucers Came - Neil Gaiman
That day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden, Silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes, And the people of Earth stood and stared as they descended, Waiting, dry-mouthed, to find what waited inside for us And none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow But you didn't notice it because
That day, the day the saucers came, by some coincidence, Was the day that the graves gave up their dead And the zombies pushed up through soft earth or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable, Came towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran, But you did not notice this because
On the saucer day, which was the zombie day, it was Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us A ship built of dead-men's nails, a serpent, a wolf, All bigger than the mind could hold, and the cameraman could Not get far enough away, and then the Gods came out But you did not see them coming because
On the saucer-zombie-battling-gods day the floodgates broke And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites Offering us wishes and wonders and eternities And charm and cleverness and true brave hearts and pots of gold While giants feefofummed across the land, and killer bees, But you had no idea of any of this because
That day, the saucer day, the zombie day, The Ragnarok and fairies day, the day the great winds came And snows, and the cities turned to crystal, the day All plants died, plastics dissolved, the day the Computers turned, the screens telling us we would obey, the day Angels, drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars, And all the bells of London were sounded, the day Animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day, The fluttering capes and arrival of the Time Machine day, You didn't notice any of this because you were sitting in your room, not doing anything not even reading, not really, just looking at your telephone, wondering if I was going to call.
When You Marry - Anon
When you marry her, love her. After you marry her, study her. When she is blue, cheer her. When she is talkative, by all means listen to her. If she dresses well, compliment her. When she is cross, humour her. If she is jealous, cure her. If she is lonely, comfort her. When she looks pretty, tell her so. Let her feel you understand her. But never let her know she isn’t the boss.
When you marry him, love him. After you marry him, study him. If he is secretive, trust him. If he is sad, cheer him. When he is talkative, listen to him. When he is quarrelsome, ignore him. If he is jealous, cure him. If he cares nought for pleasure, coax him. If he favours society, accompany him. When he deserves it, kiss him. Let him think you understand him. But never let him know you manage him.
Your Personal Penguin - Sandra Boynton
I like you a lot. You’re funny and kind. So let me explain What I have in mind. I want to be your personal penguin. I want to walk right by your side. I want to be your personal penguin. I want to travel with you far and wide.
I hope this has given you a taster of some of the funny readings you could incorporate into your day. Are you opting for a humorous reading? Drop me a comment below, I'd love to hear what you've chosen.
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